Is Your Relationship Worth Fighting For? 5 Steps to Make the Right Decision
Relationships are challenging, but throw neurodiversity into the mix whether it's ADHD, autism, dyslexia, or other traits and they can feel even more complicated. Communication gaps, sensory overload, emotional misfires, and frustration are not uncommon. You might find yourself wondering: “Is this relationship worth fighting for, or should I walk away?”
If you’re stuck in the “should I stay or should I go?” loop, you’re not alone. It’s normal to feel uncertain, but the fact that you’re even questioning it means that there’s still something valuable there. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be asking this question. The challenge comes in figuring out whether it's worth the effort, and if so, how to move forward in a way that is healthier for both of you.
As someone who has worked with many neurodiverse couples, I can tell you that the decision isn’t always straightforward. However, there are key steps you can take to guide you through the process and help you gain clarity. These steps will help you understand your relationship on a deeper level, and whether staying or leaving is truly the right choice.
1. Go All In—Commit, Even If You're Unsure
If you're unsure about your relationship, the first thing you need to do is fully commit, even if you're not sure what the outcome will be. A lot of couples in neurodiverse relationships try to “test the waters” by saying things like, “Let’s see how therapy goes,” or “Maybe we’ll try for a little while longer.” But if your relationship is struggling, especially when neurodivergence like ADHD is involved, you can’t afford to approach it with hesitation. It takes 100% commitment to make it work.
With ADHD or other neurodivergent traits, the challenges can feel more intense. Impulsivity, distractibility, emotional dysregulation, or sensory overload may cloud your judgment and make it harder to make a firm decision. But relationships only thrive when both partners are all in. If you're uncertain, your partner will likely sense it, which can lead to defensiveness and frustration. True commitment means showing up—heart and soul—every day, no matter how difficult it feels.
2. Shift Your Focus—Train Your Brain to See the Good
In any relationship, it’s easy to focus on the negative, especially when things aren't going well. This becomes even more pronounced in neurodiverse relationships. If ADHD or other traits influence how you interact, it can feel like everything is a problem: forgotten tasks, miscommunications, or missed cues. Over time, your mind becomes fixated on these issues, and it’s hard to see anything else.
Here’s the thing: Your brain will find what you’re looking for. If you focus on all the things that go wrong, that’s all you’ll notice. This is where the concept of your Reticular Activating System (RAS) comes into play. The RAS helps you notice and remember things based on your focus. So, if you’re thinking, “My partner never listens,” you’ll miss the moments when they are listening or being caring.
The solution? Train yourself to notice the good. Look for small positive things every day maybe they made you a cup of coffee or offered you a kind word when you were feeling overwhelmed. Over time, this simple shift can change how you see your partner and how they feel about you. When you focus on the positives, not only will you start to see more of them, but your partner will likely feel more appreciated, which can lead to more positive interactions.
3. Be the Change—Don’t Wait for Your Partner to Change First
One of the most common things I hear from couples is, “If only my partner would change, everything would be better.” But the truth is, waiting for your partner to change before you take action just keeps you stuck. You can’t wait for them to get their act together especially in a neurodiverse relationship, where the impact of ADHD, autism, or other traits can create challenges with communication, emotional regulation, and focus.
If you want something to change, you need to lead by example. Want better communication? Start by being open and clear with your thoughts. Want more patience? Show it, even when you’re feeling overwhelmed. If you want more connection, create space for it in your life.
Change starts with you. You can't control how your partner behaves, but you can control your own actions, and when both partners make an effort, the relationship will begin to improve. You are responsible for your own responses, regardless of how ADHD or other traits may impact them.
4. Make Space—Prioritize Your Relationship
Life gets busy. Work, family, hobbies, social obligations, and all the other things you juggle can easily leave your relationship at the bottom of the to-do list. But when you’re in a neurodiverse relationship, especially one that involves ADHD or other traits that affect time management and emotional bandwidth, it’s even more critical to make space for each other.
In neurodivergent relationships, it’s easy to get distracted or hyper-focus on other things, leaving the relationship to feel neglected. You must intentionally carve out time to nurture your bond. Whether it's a weekly date night, setting aside time to talk without distractions, or even creating boundaries around your time, making space for each other is vital.
It’s not just about physical time—it’s emotional space too. ADHD and other neurodivergent traits can make emotional regulation more challenging, but intentionally creating time to reflect on your emotional needs—and your partner’s—can help prevent emotional overwhelm and strengthen your connection.
5. Do the Inner Work—Understand Yourself and Your Partner
Understanding your own emotions, needs, and triggers is essential for any relationship, but it’s particularly important when neurodivergence is involved. How does ADHD or other neurodivergent traits shape the way you communicate, feel, and react? How does your partner’s neurodivergence influence their behavior? Are there things you're unintentionally doing that contribute to frustration?
Take the time to do the inner work. Self-awareness helps you recognize where you might be unintentionally contributing to the challenges in the relationship. It also allows you to show up in a more conscious and compassionate way.
In addition to reflecting on yourself, make sure you understand your partner’s experience. Be curious about how their neurodivergent traits affect their emotions, actions, and communication. When both partners take the time to understand each other’s needs, the relationship can shift from a place of frustration to one of mutual respect and empathy.
Making the Right Decision: Choose What’s Best for You
Deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship is never easy, especially when neurodivergence is part of the equation. It takes time, patience, and reflection to get clear on what’s best for you and your partner. By following these five steps committing fully, shifting your focus, leading by example, prioritizing your relationship, and doing the inner work you’ll be in a better place to make a decision that feels right.
Whether you decide to stay and work through the challenges or part ways with clarity and understanding, the goal is to make the decision from a place of self-awareness and purpose. You deserve a relationship that feels healthy, supportive, and fulfilling whether that's with your current partner or someone else down the road.